disinform

Human rights groups are claiming new airport scanners that show pictures of men's cocks and women's "boobs and that" are invading peoples privacy. It's political correctness gone mad!

These wonderful scanners, now in operation at Manchester Airport, allow "highly trained" security staff to sniff out terrorists, neer-do-wells and other reprobates. If I have to walk around showing my cock to all and sundry then that's a small price to pay for clearing the sky of explosions.

Starts tonight, on ITV:

BOYLE IN THE BAG

NEW SERIES: Susan Boyle works in "The Bag" restaurant as a cook who specialises in boil in the bag cuisine. Unfortunately the oily working conditions in the kitchen have caused her boil to act up and swell to 3 times its usual size - to protect it, and the food, Susan has encased it within a small bag on her face.

The internet is currently ablaze with rumours, speculation and conjecture surrounding the "Apple Tablet". A blaze that has only been marginally hampered by the tears of joy and enthusiastic ejaculate of those devouring the news and guesswork. But the truth is that no one really knows what the end product's going to be. Until now.

Well it's Celebrity Big Brother time again and this time - for the last time - they've really pulled out all the stops. Literally. There will be no end. Apparently, this final Big Brother isn't final in the sense that there will be no more series, as we were lead to believe, it is final because it will end last - running on and on, until the end of time. Of course the celebrities involved aren't aware of this just yet - it's one of the many twists in the pipeline for this generation of the housemates. Each one of the little suckers has been asked to bring in 2 objects of personal value - little do they realise these will be the only things they will have to remind them of their previous lives in the outside world. And remember, this year the house has been built in international waters so literally anything can happen without legal repercussions.